I guess I’ll start a blog…
(Originally posted May 30, 2019)
I have to preface this by saying I wrote this post five months ago with the intention of posting then, but the fear held me back until now. So this didn’t all actually happen today, but I love it so much that I had to keep it as it is for my first post.
Today was a heartbreaking and awe inspiring day all in one. To really explain it, I have to start from the beginning of the day. It’s about 2:00pm and I’m just finally forcing myself to wake up for the day. I begin crying uncontrollably and for the life of me can’t figure out why. I remember continuously forcing myself back to sleep to stay in my dream world continuously all morning, and by 2:00pm I forced myself up because I was starting to feel physically terrible from that much sleep. A few minutes into my uncontrollable sobbing, something in me said ‘take a picture of this moment’ and so I did. After I took the picture for my social media story, I began to just write what I was feeling literally through the tears. I put the words over my crying face and hit ‘add to story.’ The responses that accumulated from it’s 24 hours of life online were so moving and inspirational. Some people sending love and positive vibes, and some saying I was not alone and they had also had days just like the one I was having. One in particular really caught my attention, it was my most influential high school English teacher. He may not know exactly just what kind of impact he had on me, but if he reads this, he will.
I had this teacher for two of my four years in high school. The second year purely because he believed in my abilities more than the credentials I had toward the class. I know I was difficult for him, I was difficult for most teachers. I was constantly asking for extensions and what have you. He was always supportive of me and really encouraged me, and though my reaction at the time may not have reflected it, I was always grateful to him, and still am. His response was so genuine, and what he was saying was so inspiring that the desire to start this blog was created. Especially once combined with other positive and heartwarming responses. If I’m going through this and other people are saying they are too, then why not share my journey?
Writing has always been a love of mine, but we’ve had a complicated off and on relationship. I remember writing poetry often in my down time at home in my early high school years. I also remember having a boyfriend my junior year that made fun of me for my poetry, telling all of his adolescent friends about it to the point where I was teased incessantly by them afterwards. That really shut me down creatively, I began to really lack confidence in what I was writing and if it contained any value at all. So I locked up, I stopped writing, and if I did write anything it was few and far between. This lasted well into my twenties, but by about 25 I was starting to write again, still very privately, but it felt good to be letting it out again. The inspiration still came very much in waves, and I didn’t share any of it with anyone. I had moved to Boston by this point and was starting to make more friends based on actual similar goals and interests and was starting to write more and also share it for once. It felt good, but still very scary, and I was very defensive of any advice or criticism. It wasn’t until about 27 that I was starting to include bits and pieces of my work attached to some of my social media posts. I was sharing, but there was a little buffer to where it wasn’t the main focus so I felt more comfortable.
Flash back to today, now I’m all pumped up and fully inspired to share my journey with a combination of pictures and words. For those of you who don’t know me well, pictures are something that come naturally to me. I’ve been dabbling in the modeling industry for years off and on. There is a natural creative calm that comes over me when I am in front of the camera. It is my most favorite way to convey emotion, writing being my second. So when I was told that my complete combination of photo and word was raw art, I knew I had found a way to share myself in a truly authentically creative way. The blog idea really came together when I sat down later on this evening to just write about my overall experience with the day and the words literally poured out. I knew instantly this was my calling, or at least one of them. I soon after came up with the name the Curious Capricorn because I want to share my whole self discovery journey with you. I’m a few years into my self discovery journey at this point, but now I think I can finally put it all into words (with some help from pictures).
My interests vary so wide, from spirituality and the universe, to music production/recording and songwriting, to tarot and astrology, to preserving the environment and endangered species, to self love and self care, to modeling and photography, to poetry, and more that I’m forgetting or haven’t yet discovered. I’m so excited to share this journey with any and all who are going through a similar thing. Maybe you’re at a different stage of the process than me and that’s okay. We all grow at different paces, but knowing you’re not alone is one of the most comforting feelings there is. So that’s where I come in here. I’m going to share my life exploration with you, in hopes that maybe, it helps you in some way too.
