Pretty Little Fears
(Originally posted June 5, 2019)
Let me start this one by saying I am really scared. I am really scared to make the most drastic change of my life to date and move across the country.
As my previously set deadline gets closer with every passing day, I become more and more nervous and overwhelmed. The lack of savings I have so far just means I have less time to save my goal amount. Not knowing how I’m getting there or where I’ll be staying once I do arrive is is nerve racking. Will I get myself an apartment to move into before I even arrive with all my basic necessities? Will I crash with a friend to get on my feet and bring the MOST bare essentials and figure out how to get the rest of my stuff there once I am settled? How will I achieve all of this when I’m just starting to really try and save money? The whole thought process is an avalanche of fear.
This has all come up most recently because I just binge watched the last season of Broad City in one day and (if you havent seen it yet, spoilers will follow) ended up crying right along with Abbi and Ilana at the final episode. Granted, this whole moving thing is pretty much always on my mind, but the storyline of the last season really got me in my feels about it. The final season leads the girls to make major life decisions that ultimately end up separating them from one another. When Abbi decided to move to Colorado I felt a twinge in my stomach because it hit home, and only became more real with every episode until the epitome of feels at the end. I was instantly inspired to start writing about it, and here I am now.
Although I don’t have one particular relationship in my life that resembles the bond Abbi and Ilana share, I do have many cherished loved ones I am moving away from and will miss dearly. Imagining the goodbyes with my parents, family, closest friends, and cats literally makes me tear up every time. The thought of being more than a quick drive away from home, the possibility that my childhood pets, my seventeen year old cats may pass while I’m away, instant tears. Realizing that what I’ve been talking about and planning for the past two years is months away from happening is petrifying and all I can do is cry when I think about it.
Ever since my SoCal vacation two years ago where the idea to move there was born, I’ve known that this journey is destined for me at this stage of my life, but that doesn’t make it any less scary. The closer my goal move date gets, the more scared I become. The gut feeling alone of something being right doesn’t take the fear away. So how do I face this enormous fear? How do I finalize my plans when all I can think of is reasons to stay home just a little bit longer? How do I save up a large sum of money in a short amount of time when I’m terrible at budgeting? Those are questions I don’t really have the answers to right now.
What I do know is that I cannot let the fear stop me. No matter how scared I am, I must push through. I’ve told myself time and time again that October 2019 is my hard deadline to leave. No more pushing it back for any reason (except extreme circumstances), it is time for me to buckle down and focus. I need to commit to going out less and spending money less. I need to be working more and saving more. I need to save as much as possible in the next few months so that this dream I’ve had for the past two years can become reality. So I push past the fear and continue trying to make each day better than the last. Tomorrow I’ll try to spend less than I did today. This week I’ll try and go through more of my belongings and steadily narrow down my possessions. Every chance I get, I’ll make an effort to be researching others’ journey’s through this process, and so on and so forth until October arrives.
They say if it’s meant to be it will find a way, so will all of this fall into place over the next few months? Only time will tell. Keep up with me here to find out how it goes!
If you have any advice, please feel free to reach out to me on Instagram! @thecuriouscapricorn
